An Oath

THE THINGS I WILL NOT DO WHEN I DIRECT A SHAKESPEARE PRODUCTION, ON STAGE OR FILM

311. I will not set Macbeth in a post-apocalyptic future wasteland. Furthermore, under no circumstance will Banquo be a robot, alien, mutant, or any combination of the above

308. If Shakespeare had intended for any character to say, "YEEEEEEEEHAW!", it would have appeared in the text.

256. The Montague clan are not aliens. No, really, they're not.

233. I shall not give Thisbe cleavage by blowing up multi-coloured latex balloons and taping them under her dress; furthermore, during Thisbe's death scene, I shall not tape a safety pin to the end of Pyramus' sword and allow Thisbe to pop said balloons for comic relief as she tragically stabs herself

90. In a production of Cymbeline, Jupiter should not be played as some kind of bizarre winged thing on a high metal contraption with a magnifying glass for a face.

55. I will not allow the King's ghost in Hamlet to look like a hairy popsicle.

34. I will not require any actor to brush his teeth onstage. Especially if the production is supposed to be set in period.

26. I will not cut important scenes simply because I do not like them.

24. I will not show the earth opening up unless I have a very good reason for it.

19. I will not end Hamlet after "Good night, sweet prince."